Secondary Losses in Grief

Shining a light on additional unseen losses caused by partner death

Jun 29, 2025

I’m a huge loser. Massive. Ginormous. Because the death of a partner is so much more than one person dying. Being in a relationship is a commitment to do life together. And losing that relationship has an enormous impact on every aspect of life.

Not only is our chosen life partner dead, but there are significant secondary losses that occur as a result. They may occur immediately, or unfold over time. A lot of these losses are invisible to other people, and yet they have a major impact on us. These compounded losses add pain, suffering and complexity. Not only are we grieving our person, but we’re grieving the life we had before they died, the plans we had for the future, and a whole lot of other secondary losses.

There is power in identifying and acknowledging these losses as the first step in grieving them. Here are some that I experienced, but it’s certainly not a complete list.

Personal Safety

There may be a loss in feeling of safety and a trust that things will be okay. This could be heightened if the death had a traumatic impact.

Now, nothing is guaranteed. The worst thing happened (and therefore could happen again).

In my early grief I desperately sought support processing the trauma from Mike’s death. I was constantly on alert and in a heightened state experiencing flashbacks, intrusive thoughts and dissociation. I saw a counsellor who said I needed to first get a “safe space”. I earnestly asked him if this was an app I could download. He said no, this is within you. I laughed at myself then, and can really laugh about it now, but it’s also so sad. I was so disconnected from feeling a sense of safety that it didn’t even cross my mind that I could potentially find a safe feeling within myself. Also, there is an app for literally everything now, is it too much to ask for AI to give me a sense of personal safety?

Sense of Self

We may lose our sense of self because our identity relates to our relationships and death changes our relationships and roles.

Whatever version of us that our loved one knew died with them, and it can take time to connect with our new selves.

The loss of sense of self and disillusionment was an enormous grief for me when Mike died. Was I still a wife now? Were his parents still my in-laws? How could I not have known what was going on? What did it mean that I didn’t know the pain he was in? Whatever version of me that Mike knew and loved and saw was gone. There is a version of me that only existed with Mike, and now it was gone, forever changed by what I’ve been through since he died.

Financial Security

Financial security, income, and stability may die alongside a partner.

Where we once shared household expenses with (perhaps) two incomes, now we’re left to carry the load. Returning to work or operating as we did may not be possible in the After.

Also, we may be unable to return to work. My ability to work was severely affected. These things all have a financial impact in the short and long term.

Support Systems

Unfortunately grief changes relationships and people don’t necessarily show up in the way that we need them to. Our grief phobic society means that the people around us have limitations on their capabilities of facing grief. This is no shade, simple facts.1

Supports disappear or shift due to circumstance, death-discomfort, and fear around “not knowing what to do”. Also, our ability to socialize as we did Before is likely altered dramatically. This could be due to energy levels, challenges spending time with those couple friends without our person, or any number of ways it could be painful to be in our old life with our new situation.

Also, the main person who would comfort us is no longer here. The person who would hold us and tell us everything would be okay. They’re the one we need most and would turn to at a time like this, and now their side of the bed is empty.

Cognitive Ability

Grief has a huge impact on our entire body, especially our brain.

Grief brain may include: brain fog, confusion, inability to focus or read, memory loss, challenges making decisions, traumatic impacts, numbness, and overwhelm.

I’d heard I wasn’t supposed to make big decisions in the first year of grief. And I remember I had to continually and repeatedly make big decisions. Decisions about the funeral and burial, what to do with Mike’s belongings, and about where to live and work. I had to predict how I might feel in the future without knowing how I would feel in the next 2 minutes.

The “widow admin” felt endless and challenging when I struggled to read more than a few sentences at a time. Now, surely there’s an AI bot for this?2

Health

Grief is a full body experience and impacts can include, sleep disturbances, physical exhaustion, appetite and nutrition changes, weakness, pain, higher inflammation, increased chance of illness, anxiety, depression, and emotional dysregulation.

My grief insomnia was a real struggle. I barely slept in the first six months after Mike died. I’ve never had more doctors appointments than I have as a widow. Oh and the cancer two years later was no picnic either.

Faith

Experiencing significant loss can challenge one's faith, leading to moments of doubt, redefinition, and finding unexpected sources of meaning. Feelings could shift between utter futility and redefining meaning and values in the aftermath of loss.

I was sort of vaguely agnostic before Mike died and where did that leave me. Was he just gone now? I’ve fluctuated (sometimes within a moment) from thinking it’s all meaningless to finding meaning in everything and thinking Mike is trying to communicate with me through the air purifier3. Now, I still find myself in question more often than not.

Future Dreams

Not only is our partner dead, but so is the future we had planned together. And it can be really hard seeing any future at all when we’re navigating acute loss.

Vacations, projects, dreams, lifestyles, connections with each other’s families and community’s – all of this was gone or would look extremely different doing it alone. It compounded the loss and would take reimagining to move forward.

No Emergency Contact

Who to list on forms now they are dead? Who to call in an emergency? If something happened to me, how long would it be before anyone noticed?

I remember the sting of this when I finally made it to my new job and filled out my start paperwork. Not having someone who is there for us by default is a painful reality for a lot of people grieving partner death. AI would be a crappy emergency contact - it couldn’t even pick me up after a colonoscopy.

Home

Partner death could trigger home loss or a move, as well as losing the person we shared household responsibilities with.

It could be out of necessity due to financial or emotional needs, or by choice. A move could result in a loss of familiar environments, neighbourhoods, and routines. Even if it’s by choice, there is loss and grief in the decision and requires energy to be adjusted to.

Mike pondering Marianne Nicolson’s installation, *Oh, How I Long For Home* at the Vancouver Art Gallery.

Connection

When our person dies, we lose them every day moving forward and all the moments of connection we would have had with them. Sharing a meal, venting about our day, reading side by side, and all the other moments that make up a life.

When Mike died, I lost the person who cared about the minutia of my life, about a cute dog I saw, a delicious sandwich, or my new favourite song. He was my family. I lost him and all the family and friend connections I had through him too, at least they looked very different now (they were all grieving him too). Plus all the ways it was hard to connect with people and feel a sense of belonging now I felt so different in the After.

Secondary Losses Compound the Grief

There is a past version of me that no longer exists because of what I’ve been through since Mike died. I try to practise self-compassion and honour her, for all that she didn’t know. For all that she trusted. For all that she believed. And she was gone now. She had to endure Mike’s death and the fallout and multitude of secondary losses.

All these compounded losses take a toll and time and energy to process and find the new pathway forward. No wonder grief is so exhausting.

What about you…

This list is non-exhaustive. What else would you add?

Have you found a secondary loss particularly surprising?

Which one hit you the hardest?