What can you do?
helpful things to offer your grieving friend
I’ve explained some of the unhelpful things people say to grievers, and suggested things to say instead. And now let’s talk about what you can do to help in a situation that feels helpless.
Just like nothing you can say can comfort a person’s grief away, nothing you can do will make their grief go away either. AND… there are things that can be done to help ease their suffering. By showing up, in whatever capacity you can, however you are able.
Let them know what you can do
The instinct can be to say, “let me know if you need anything”. No shade if you’ve said this. I’ve absolutely said it before. It’s been said to me many times. And while it’s not a bad thing so say, it’s not particularly helpful if you truly want to support.
This is because it requires them to perform several tasks. They need to identify a need, decide if it’s something you could help them with, and reach out to you and request it. This is a huge mental load for someone who’s world has imploded.
Instead, ask yourself, what CAN you do here? What is in your capacity and power and what are you willing to do? It is important to not overpromise, as the last thing a grieving person needs is someone making a plan and then cancelling.
Your offer should be specific and tangible, and give them a choice to say no.
How this looks will depend on the nature of your relationship, what you’re willing to do, and what you have capacity to offer.
With that in mind, here are some ideas and offerings.
Could you:
visit them and keep them company?
help with a task or chore (take the bins out, wash the car, help with the estate paperwork)?
mind their kids for a few hours?
walk their dog?
“loan” them a pet?
invite them over for dinner?
organize a Meal Train?
drop off a meal or groceries?
send a care package?
call and talk?
set reminders for important anniversary’s and then reach out on those days?
send an uber eats voucher?
send a card?
send a text?
Whatever you can do. Whatever you’re willing to do. Offer that. Be specific and direct while giving them choice.
Show up literally
I’m planning to drop over some lasagna in freezable individual portions for you on Tuesday evening. If you’re not up for a visitor, I’ll drop it at the doorstep.
The new series of The Great British Bake Off is out. Wanna watch it together on Saturday? I’ll bring the baked goods!
Can I come over on Sunday afternoon? We could go for a walk or watch TV together. And if you change your mind and just want to be alone, we can have a safe word and I’ll leave right away (suggested safe word “TAMAGOTCHI” but we can workshop this).
Show up via tasks
I’m heading to the store later and plan to pick up a few items for you (bread, milk, cereal, fruit, snacks) is there anything specific you would like? (I’ll obviously get some of those peanut butter pretzel things!!)
I’d like to walk the dog for you on Saturday morning. Or is there another day that would be better for you?
Want me to call the insurance company? I’m prepared to lie and pretend to be you and commit fraud if that’s what it takes. I’ll INSURE they pay up!
Show up via connection
I’m planning to call you tomorrow afternoon, no pressure to answer, but I’d love to hear your voice.
What dates are hard for you? I’d like to check in with you on those days if that’s ok.
Is there anyone I can call for you? Work to tell them you’re not coming in? Friends to let them know you can’t attend their *insert social obligation here*? Enemies to tell them that their tears fuel you?
Invite them to things
Even if you don’t think they’ll come, being invited feels nice. It’s good to put the offer out with the expectation that they may not come. Or if they come, they may leave early and abruptly.
I’m having a BBQ on Saturday, would you like to come? No pressure if you don’t feel up to it. It would be good to see you!
Give them choice. If they’ve experienced partner death, they may not want to go to dinner with three other couples, but you can still invite them and let them decide.
Keep showing up
Many of my relationships disintegrated after Mike died. People stopped checking in and inviting me to things. And I found it near impossible to reach out with everything I was experiencing. It’s a commonly felt grief experience and it’s no one’s fault. We have limitations on our capabilities. Again, no shade here. We are in full high noon sunlight in this judgement free place. But it did reinforce the isolation.
I think it’s a combination of awkwardness around what to say, fear around saying or doing the wrong thing, and maybe making assumptions about what I did and didn’t want. If you’re unsure, it’s always best to ask.
In a time of isolation and suffering, support is really important and really hard to ask for.
Instead of asking them to let you know what they need, let them know what you can offer. And do that. While giving them choice to refuse.