I’m often in conversation with fellow Grieflings. (Yes, we have a cutesy name for ourselves.) It helps to make connections with people who “get it”. Even if our losses are very different, we can usually connect in some way about how we’re feeling.
Whenever I do this, I am constantly checking my instinct to try and fix their pain. I notice when it arises and resist it because I know I can’t truly help. I can’t bring back their dead loved one. I pause and listen and take my own advice (and that of people much smarter than me). After I’ve caught my instinct, I take a beat to remind myself that the only thing I can do is witness and validate their experience, and perhaps share something of my own experience in case it’s helpful.
I was recently chatting with a fellow wid, and she was sharing how exhausted she was. As she was speaking, I could feel my own exhaustion rise from within and call back. As if being summoned through the phone by its like, my own Exhaustion Demon started nodding and crying out for cups of tea, a cosy blanket, and *checks notes* REST! (Cue: audible gasp.)1
Everything is hard in grief. Things that were simple before, now take a whole lot of extra brain power. And our brain power is depleted because it’s busy trying to process the shock and trauma of this new reality. It’s busy trying again and again and again to understand that your loved one is dead, and that life must somehow go on without them. This doesn’t leave much bandwidth left over for remembering to check the mail, let alone understanding what this letter from the tax office means about their estate.
Grief often has a significant impact on sleep, either sleeping a lot or not at all. I had insomnia for the first few months after Michael died. It’s a lot better now thankfully, but it was hell and made everything harder. And while I’m sleeping better than I did, the grief is still exhausting. Not all the time, but it’s still there. I’m currently experiencing burnout, and my heart went to my fellow wid.
I shared something I heard? Read? Absorbed as one of the 50 million pieces of content I consume either willingly or just via osmosis/phone addiction (call it what you will)? Anyway, I’m not sure where I actually saw it, but I tracked down I THINK the OG source as this tweet from Jim Kwik:
I shared the gist of this with her in that way that when I’m telling other people something, I’m telling myself the most. I needed that reminder today and maybe you do too. Even if you’re not grieving.
I would also add to this notion by saying WE DON’T NEED TO GIVE 100% ALL THE TIME! It’s not actually required. Although, much like the speed limits in North America, we feel like it’s the minimum. It’s not. It’s the maximum! The bare minimum is there for a reason. There is a minimum, which if reached, is okay! If you can do that, and get by, that’s enough.
Here is a secret… you’re not going to get arrested for not giving 100%. They can’t send you to jail for not doing your dishes or replying to an email. Just like they won’t send you to jail if you accidentally do your taxes wrong (why am I convinced I’ll go to jail if I make a slight mistake).2
On the days when I feel like I’m not getting anything done, like I can’t do it, I try to lower the bar. This is a hard shift for me, as internalized capitalism brainwash and people pleasing tendencies are central to my core. The worst part about these days can be that not only am I feeling bad for not accomplishing every single thing, but then I’m also shaming myself for not getting it all done. Nothing like a bit of self-shaming to really beat ourselves up. Ouch.
What would happen if you just deleted or tore up your to do list? If the thought of doing that is making you want to vomit, well honestly SAME! It’s hard. It goes against my nature. But when facing burnout, I think it’s necessary.
Why not try it!? Have a list with only two things on it: one thing you must do today, and one thing for yourself. Just two things. Delete the rest. (Or, if deleting it is too hard, save it as a “long term list” and keep a two-thing daily list for what you’re focussing on).
(Again, I’m not-so-secretly telling myself to do this.)
If letting go completely isn’t an option, for example when trying to take care of yourself, could you reduce the ask to something smaller? Here are some ideas for things that have been hard for me, and a smaller thing that might be more achievable instead:
If going outside feels unbearable, opening the window might be nice
If doing the dishes is out of scope, start by soaking them
If working out is a no-go, a 5-minute walk is great
If preparing a healthy meal feels impossible, toast is fine
If showering is too hard, washing your face or brushing your teeth would be good
Let’s all do less!
Ok gtg burn my to do list(s)…
Is there a way you can lower your bar?
“Rest” such a foreign sounding concept I had to look it up: “cease work or movement in order to relax, refresh oneself, or recover strength.” Has anyone tried it?
If you do your taxes wrong on purpose, I’m pretty sure you can go to jail. Source: Not a lawyer, but I have seen Legally Blonde SEVERAL times!
Miranda, I am so glad to have learned about your Substack from my neighbour and friend, Marion. I just lost my partner a month ago and it’s been really tough. “Grieflings”...I love that. I’ll be reading your posts over this Christmas/NY period to get through the firsts. Thank you for your writings. 🙏✨