What to say to a grieving friend
Helpful things to say when nothing helps
In the previous post I talked about the painful way comments can feel like judgement in grief. Since then, I’ve been reflecting on the follow up I promised about what to say instead.
The truth is, I don’t know what you should say. I don’t know your friend, I don’t know details of their experience, and I don’t know the relationship you have. I don’t know what to say when something bad happens to someone I love. I’m floored and wish I had the perfect thing, but I’m left scrambling.
We are SO uncomfortable with the thought of another person’s pain and suffering that our instincts are to try and comfort them and get them out of that painful place. It’s important to understand that your words will likely never provide comfort in the way you wish they could. I hope this is liberating. It’s not because you’re inadequate, rather it’s because perhaps the only thing that would bring them true comfort is for their person to still be alive.
Having said that, I do know that they desperately need support. And that they likely can’t ask for the support they need right now. And most importantly – something is better than nothing. I’d take clumsy, awkward and misguided interactions over nothing at all. Saying nothing to a grieving person is very painful as it can feel like their loss is being ignored.
So what to say? If TLDR just read this: show up, witness, listen, allow them to be sad/angry/however they are feeling.
If words can’t comfort, acknowledgement is all we can offer. This animation from Megan Devine’s website Refuge in Grief explains it well.
In lieu of ever being able to say the perfect thing, here are some ideas for good enough things to say and example texts or conversation starters.
Let them have their feelings
Acknowledgement of the depth of how much this situation sucks is the first step. Meet them where they are and be okay with the pain and anguish and sadness. Hold space for that and witness it. It is surprising how much this seemingly simple thing can help when nothing helps.
I’m sorry this has happened. It’s so hard and I wish there was something I could do to change it.
This is so unfair. I’m devastated for your loss and know how much they meant to you. I’m so sorry and I’m crying with you today.
This sucks. I love you and am here for you.
If someone has shared something difficult and painful to you, try echoing their sentiments back to them and allowing them to say more.
I’m hearing you’re finding it challenging dealing with his family. That sounds really hard. Do you want to chat more about it?
Dealing with all that paperwork sounds like a nightmare. If you like, I could come over tomorrow and help you sort through it to figure out the next step?
Reach out & check in with a bit of love
If your person has experienced partner death one of the (MANY) secondary losses is a loss of someone to share the small parts of your day with. I no longer had someone who gave a shit about the cool bird I saw, what I ate for lunch or to tell the weird dream to. (No one to squeeze that spot on my back either, but my therapist keeps talking about boundaries so we gotta draw the line somewhere I guess.) The point is, they’re experiencing a great deal more than the death of their chosen family. It’s all gone. Including their key support person who they would turn to for comfort when the worst happens. So any kind of check in was welcome.
It doesn’t need to be complicated and overthought. If you’re thinking about them, reach out and tell them that and/or offer something about your day.
I’m thinking of you and I’m so grateful to have you as a friend.
I was listening to a podcast where they hate watch Emily in Paris and thought of you! Can I come over and hate watch it with you soon?
Today I saw a dog wearing a hat and it made me think of you!
If you’re feeling awkward and don’t know what to say, start there and embrace the awkwardness.
I don’t know what to say. But I’m here for you and I love you and I’m going to call you tomorrow to talk. No pressure to answer if you don’t feel up to it. But know I am thinking about you.
Ask questions
Sometimes it’s not about you having to say anything, but being there allowing them to vent or lament. On the one hand, asking someone how they’re doing can be challenging when they’re world has blown apart. It’s hard to ask, and even harder to respond to. But if you are a close friend, be brave enough to ask. Especially if you can visit in person or talk on the phone. Let them guide the conversation.
Asking “how are you” over text likely won’t yield the response you’re aiming for. So over text it’s good to get specific and focussed so that they can try to answer.
How is today for you?
I imagine everything’s really hard right now. Is there anything I can take off your plate or services you might need? I could do some googling and look into it for you.
How are the funeral plans going? Did you find an outfit? I’m going to the mall tomorrow and could pick something up for you.
Talk about their dead loved one
Share stories and kind words about their loved one – these moments are still my favourite to experience to this day. Learning something new about a dead person or even hearing that someone is thinking about them is a precious gift. Remember to use their name too. It’s not taboo. They aren’t Voldemort.
I’m thinking about J today. She had such a big heart. I remember when she knitted hats for the local cat shelter to help them get adopted. It was so kind (and adorable).
Missing K so much right now. This photo popped up on my phone, so I wanted to share it with you. We had the best day and laughed so hard.
There can be fear that talking about the dead reminds the grieving person of their loss. This is impossible, they are mindful of their loss no matter if you speak the name.
If you didn’t know the deceased, you could be curious. Or at least hold the door open and be okay with the tears. Just because we’re crying, doesn’t mean you’ve upset us. It was all in there and grief truly does need an outlet.
I’d love to hear more about S. Would you like to tell me about them?
One caveat here is not to demand memories on tap. A grieving person isn’t a memory vending machine and depending on where they are in their grief this might be painful to ask. Especially if the loss is new and/or unexpected. In my case, the shock and trauma and grief brain fog made it hard for me to speak about Mike in the way I wished I could in the early days, resulting in a painful reaction when someone said “tell us your favourite story about him!”. Asking specific questions gives a focus and it’s much easier to answer.
He looks so happy in that photo you shared. Where abouts was it taken?
It looks like she loved animals. Is that a selfie with a cow wearing a sombrero? I’d love to hear that story.
Don’t be disheartened if they don’t reply
One thing to remember is that you’re reaching out for THEM. So please don’t be disheartened if you don’t get a reply. Some of the messages I most needed came at a time when I didn’t have capacity to reply, or at least reply in a truly engaged way. I still read and clung to these notes and calls even if I didn’t respond – they kept me afloat.
Keep it up
Continue calling, texting, inviting them to things, showing up, sending stuff, being there. Whatever is in your power. People who did this for me were true lifelines. And for that I am eternally grateful.
In my next post I’m going to tackle the common (and unhelpful) thing we all say “let me know if you need anything” and what you can do instead.