The Privilege of Being Middle-Aged

Embracing aging and cheating at crosswords

1 Across: People do this if they’re lucky (3) AGE

I’m 40 today¹ and I’m absolutely embracing the title of “middle-aged”.

While the exact age is up for debate², a common definition is around 40-60. Some might argue that I’m not actually middle-aged yet, and I would bet those people are likely older than me. While anyone under 30 (the foetuses that they are) thinks I’m ancient. And that makes sense because it’s all relative. It depends how long we get.

They also say you’re only as old as you feel. Well, since Mike died, I’ve felt 1,000 years old. And his death brought on a shock of grey hairs on to match. Embracing middle-age feels almost ambitious when I’ve been known to eye the excursion list for retirement communities with jealousy.³ My favourite activities align well with this crowd. They include reading, writing, spending time in nature, bird watching, eating food that’s easily digested, and playing word games that I’m way too invested in.⁴

A lot of the focus on turning 40 is on the physical aspects (especially if you see my targeted advertising). The fine lines are multiplying. The silver highlights have reached my eyelashes. My skin is marred with scars from surgery, air guitar mishaps, and teppanyaki incidents. Gravity is taking hold – did my knees always look like that? Nobody warned me about the knees. I guess gravity affects us all, if we live long enough.

11 Across: The gateway drug of word games (6) WORDLE

Another thing nobody mentioned is the crossword puzzle and word game obsession. It started with an innocent game of Wordle, guessing one word, once a day. Next thing you know I’m subscribed to the NYT and working my way through years of crossword archives.

I’m fearful that when I die someone will find my shame of unfinished crossword attempts. I’m pretty good at Monday’s and getting confident on Tuesday’s crosswords too (I’m in the depths of 2021). However, the rest of the week remains a challenge. In case you’re aged 38 or under and don’t know, they get harder through the week with Sunday being the most challenging. I hope I live long enough to be able to complete a Friday or even a Saturday! (Never Sunday, I know my limits).

The other part of the crossword obsession they didn’t warn me about is the cheating. I’m ashamed to say I occasionally cheat. Sometimes I reach a point where I’m 98% there and I just can’t crack the final pieces. I try not to google the answer, but I might search for something I THINK is right. I tell myself it’s more efficient this way. The clock ticks on while the crossword screen is open, every second adds to my time spent doing the puzzle. And every second is a second closer to death. I justify my cheating because I don’t have time to waste and fear the posthumous shame that someone will find my trove of incomplete puzzles when I’m gone.

16 Down: A ticking construct (4) TIME

We only truly know when our “middle-age” is when it’s too late. We can only apply this definition retroactively.

I might be at the midpoint, or I might not be. If I didn’t push for that colonoscopy two years ago, my tumour would have spread. Who knows at what stage it would have been discovered. What the words I would be typing would be. If I’d even be typing at all. I’m not trying to sensationalize my experience, but it’s a truth I hold.

And this absolutely adds urgency to how I live.

10 Down: What ____ you do? (4) MUST

I’m acutely aware of the clock ticking down, and I use this to inspire how I live. There is nothing like the thought of “I could be dead tomorrow” to really bring in to focus what I MUST do today.

I wrote this on a note card after listening to some interviews with death doula, Alua Arthur. I want to delve into it into another post because once I started writing about death and her work I could NOT stop. But for now I’ll leave these links to her wisdom where she asks the question “what must you do?” It’s not an excuse to stop washing dishes or taking out the garbage. But it is a great reminder for me when I reach for my phone for a doom scroll or another hit of crossword… tick tock.

33 Across: How to centre yourself in crisis (5) TRUTH

As I sit in my existential-turning-40-crisis and long for the answers, I turn to what’s true for me in this moment:

• I’m grateful to be turning 40 as not everyone gets to.

• It’s painful to enter a new decade knowing Mike never will.

• I’m aware of that ticking clock. I could live another 60 years, or not. I don’t know how long I have.

• I have less f*cks to give. I don’t know how many f*cks I have remaining, so I’m going to try and use them wisely.

• I’m embracing where I’m at physically, mentally, emotionally (and whatever my knees are doing). Although I know it’s easier said than done.⁵

• I’m actively trying to grow and let go of things that don’t serve me. And bring into focus those that do.⁶

• There will be joy.

40 Across: Easy to give to others, but painful to give to myself (10) COMPASSION

I plan to live fully with the time that I have embracing the joy of being middle-aged. And if that means I need to occasionally cheat on a crossword. So be it.

1. Posting this on my Aussie birthday. I get two days!

2. Source: according to “the internet”. I googled it. I google things.

3. Someone plans out a fun day of museums, garden walks and interesting day trips and ensures you’re back in time for dinner at 530? Where do I sign!?

4. Have you ever found yourself searching on Reddit for a way to correct your winning streak when you are SURE you did the puzzle, and you couldn’t have forgotten to complete it that day so it must be an error in the app! No? Yeah, me neither.

5. Should I be using retinol? Something is telling me I should be using retinol. (It’s the ads. The targeted ads are telling me that.)

6. Wow there are a lot of footnotes on this post. Must be a middle-aged thing.