Grief Survival Toolkit
What helps when nothing helps
For the griever, when everything is wrong. Up is down. There is no normal to get back to.
Here is what helped me. It’s not a to do list, instead think of it as an offering of possibilities. Some of these helped me in the earlier days and some came months or over a year later so not all will be applicable at any one time. And it’s not linear, I still regularly need to remind myself about the basics. The following things make up my grief survival toolkit, things I lean on to help me feel grounded and resist overwhelm.
Self Care 101 – Basic needs. Caring for yourself can feel pointless, but do it anyway, if not for you, for those around you. Start with your basic needs. Figuring out what you need is hard and energy consuming, so start small. Drink a glass of water, or if that’s too much, have one sip. Take a shower, or if that’s too hard, splash your face or brush your teeth. Eat something, healthy if you can muster it, but anything will do if you can’t. Or if you’re eating everything that’s okay too – kindness to yourself is key here. Doing any small thing you can for yourself is better than nothing and if something seems too hard break it down into manageable chunks. One thing at a time. One foot out of bed. One arm in a tee shirt. One step. One breath.
Breathing. I used to roll my eyes a little when this was recommended as a tool.1 But utilising it truly has helped. Grief is a full mind and body experience. I’ve learned our breath is the only way we can control our nervous system. Focusing on breathing through the nose and having a longer out breath is key as it helps support the vagus nerve which directs the parasympathetic nervous system (because *science*). My go-to technique in moments of stress is to breathe in for four, hold for six, and out for eight.
Movement. Anything. A short walk. A yoga class from home. A stretch on the couch. My policy is anything more than zero is good. If I really don’t feel like getting outside, I cut myself a deal and say I can turnaround in five minutes if I want. Usually, I feel better once I’m out there moving.
Nature. Get into it if you can. The trees don’t care if you ugly cry and the wind won’t judge your sobs. The rocks? They don’t care for nobody and nothing (they’re rocks). Go look at some, sit on one, find a good one to chuck into a body of water. Put your feet on some grass or sand. Listen to the sounds of waves crashing or lapping on the shore. If you can’t get out into it, bring it inside – open a window! Get a bird feeder – they bring me so much joy.
Retail therapy. Okay these benefits are fleeting. But it’s still a brief reprieve. Filling your cart and then closing the tab could provide a similar feeling without the credit card hit.2
Actual therapy. A kind ear to listen to your problems, validate your concerns, and helps you feel better? What’s not to love! But I understand it’s hard to get one and can be scary to talk to a stranger about your deepest fears, pain and weirdness. For me, a trauma-informed therapist has been essential to my coping and healing.
Find a support group. Connecting with people who get it can be very healing and validating. Being seen and understood in grief is so important and meaningful. If you’re stuck on how to find a group you could try connecting to your local hospice society. If you’re in Canada and your loved one died from substance use, Healing Hearts is a great resource.
Call or text someone. A friend or trusted support person if you have that. Or connect with a support line such as Lifeline, or local crisis or suicide support line in your area. There is someone you can talk to.
Ask for help. I still struggle with this one, but we absolutely need help from other people. I understand the energy required to first know what you need and then ask for help can be too much, but try if you can. Start with any task causing you stress right now, and think is there someone who might be able to take this on. You likely have people around you desperate to help, but they probably have no clue what to do. You could also try TaskRabbit or Airtasker (like Uber, but for building Ikea furniture).
Allow others to help. Do you ever find yourself giving advice and it’s the exact thing you need to do yourself? Neither. *cough cough* I’m still working on it. I try to remind myself I would want to help them if it was reversed.
Self-care 102 – cozy self-care. Soft cozy blankets. Nice smelling candles. Incense sticks. Hand cream. Face masks. New socks. Luxury tea. Gourmet cookies. Any small nice thing. Treat yourself or allow others to treat you. Buy yourself that fancy candle. Now is the time.
Mindfulness. Practicing mindfulness and grounding yourself in the present moment can be really helpful. I try and remind myself at various points throughout the day, particularly in moments of panic or overwhelm, but also in calm too. Finding stillness. Putting one hand on my belly and the other across my heart. Being in my body and becoming aware of sensations: temperatures, pressure, heaviness, tightness, numbness. Feeling the chair underneath my butt. Sipping something slowly and with intention. Tasting food (I know – outrageous ideas). Noticing the breath. Allowing whatever emotion I’ve been holding onto or resisting just to be. Feeling my feelings even though our culture deems them “negative” is the ultimate act of rebellion. Noticing it. Naming it. Allowing it all to be.
Tend or mend something. Caring for a pet or plant or tackling a small project can be a good way to channel energy. I have a collection of potted plants now that started with an orchid Mike had gifted me. It’s such a treat when it gets a new growth or flowers. Fixing something broken can also be satisfying. Start small though, don’t go ripping up the carpet to check for original floorboards anytime soon!3
Break something. I haven’t done much of this, but maybe I need to! Super curious about this anger room where you can smash stuff up.
Tell your story on your own terms. Coming from the perspective of a traumatic loss, I usually found the people who asked the most intrusive personal questions didn’t have a right to that information. I got in the habit of saying “it’s very traumatic for me, I don’t want to discuss it” and ending the conversation and getting back to eating my lunch. On the flip side, at times it can be helpful to divulge some information. Only you can make this call and advocate for what’s best for you.
Self-expression. Grief needs an outlet. But that outlet will look different for everyone. For me, journaling and writing are an important tool, but in the early days I could barely put a sentence down. Eventually I took this Writing Your grief course (from Megan Devine) which was helpful. I also bought myself a sketch book and some pencils. If you need inspiration you could try wandering around a craft store and see if something jumps out at you.
Distraction. It’s impossible to feel every part of grief continually. It’s overwhelming so finding suitable distractions - even momentary ones - was helpful for me. Things might not feel great, but lean into whatever doesn’t feel horrible. Some of my favourite wholesome social media accounts to follow: doggy hiking trips, talking dogs, doggy grooming, puppies… yes, there is a theme, dogs give me serotonin. I also like puzzles, crafting, audio books (because reading was too hard) and podcasts.
Meditation. At first, I found this too painful, but I’ve slowly come back to it and am leaning on it to help manage my anxiety. I like simple breathing exercises and body scans to get me into my body. There is a free app called Insight Timer, Headspace is a good paid one, and Anxiety Release which uses EMDR or bilateral stimulation to reduce anxiety (purchased for a few bucks). And here is a link to some loving kindness meditations for self-compassion. We could probably all use a bit of that.
Scream. All of the above not cutting it and just need a void to scream into? I hear you. Let me know where I can find this too. In the meantime, I’ve just been using a pillow.4
If you have any suggestions of things that helped you or your go-to distraction, feel free to share.
Alternatively, feel free to ignore everything and just pull that blanket back over your head. Just make sure it’s a really cozy one!
Still do TBH. Don’t tell me how to breathe!
Says she with a very expensive chair she uses to put clothes on instead of hanging them up.
Or do, what do I know!
Perhaps that explains why all my neighbours keep moving away.